A Sweet Girl Doesn’t Do That

When I was a kid and I “misbehaved”, I’d hear, “Don’t do that; nobody will like you. Be a sweet girl, will you?“ And so I assumed that my life goals should include pleasing others and having everybody like me.

With those goals in mind, long after I grew up, I kept aspiring to be agreeable to people without questioning who they were and what they meant to me. But regardless of what I did, I never got everyone’s approval and validation. There was always something about me that wasn’t acceptable. I wondered why, when it should be so easy. I just had to drink moderately, not smoke, not get any tattoos, have a spotlessly clean apartment, have a university degree, build a career, settle down and have kids, be skinny, be young, be sexy and want sex all the time, be smart but not too smart, always smile, always keep my cool… and more, frequently contradictory, requirements. I knew it was absurd, but how could I break out of that sweet girl pattern?

As a woman, the pressure to please is great. If a man isn’t pleasing, he’ll be labeled a dick. That’s an unarguably mean label. However, some men wear it with a proud sense of self-satisfaction. But a woman won’t be called a dick. She‘ll be called emotional, hysterical, dramatic, unreasonable or a clueless bitch. I certainly didn’t want to belong in that category…

To prove I wasn’t like that, I strived at all costs to be nice, easygoing and “reasonable”, while at the same time, understanding and forgiving. But wait a minute. Why should I always have to be a shiny happy pony? Didn’t I deserve to be myself without being afraid I’d be called an emotional bitch? I decided I’d had enough of that bullshit, enough of being the sweet girl. I was determined to let go of my fear and speak up for myself and for once focus on things that made ME happy.

Soon enough, my integrity was put to the test. A person I considered to be one of my closest friends asked me for a favor that went against my convictions. So I refused. Nicely. With an unnecessary explanation why that would make me feel uncomfortable.

But he didn’t make it easy for me. He kept insisting, saying my attitude was ridiculous – it was unheard of for me to say no. My heart was beating like crazy as I fought the urge to give in because he preferred me to be a nice, pleasing and likable girl… And while I was absolutely sure I was doing the right thing by speaking up for myself, it was entirely out of my comfort zone. It felt intimidating; like I was losing the ground under my feet. Losing control… But the sense of liberation that inevitably followed justified the struggle. I had set a new precedent.

I don’t want to imply that there is anything wrong with wanting to be liked; on the contrary, it’s quite natural. We can’t change who we are, but we can change who we surround ourselves with. As for me, I’m a compassionate and caring person; that’s in my nature. But I recognized that I was being nice to people who brought nothing in return or even brought me down. I was holding on to people from a certain sense of nostalgia or habit… cause I’d already invested my energy in them… that must have been for a reason, right? So I would make excuses for them and keep giving them many “second” chances in the hopes that everything would be fine, eventually finding myself trying to fix something that hadn’t added any value to my life for a long time.

Letting go is an emotional process. Especially when it comes to human beings… who can talk back to us. But I learned I’m capable of letting go of those people who’d become a toxic element in my life and channeling my personality and attention to those who make me feel at ease, appreciate me the way I am, believe in me and support me. I’ve found my peace and place in the world where I don’t try to please everybody. And if I can do it, anyone can.

Life’s too short…
…to consider rejection or disapproval as a personal failure.
…to hold on to people and things that no longer bring us joy.
…and if you call me a sweet girl, it will become even shorter.

Princess Unipony

Read another story about mental health.