How I Developed An Eating Disorder

I’d always thought of myself as someone generally confident and stable. I was always lean, fit-looking and perfectly fine the way I was…
Ever since I can remember, I’ve liked to be health conscious. I also love cooking and like to dig deep when learning something new and interesting. So when I decided that I would strive to lead the healthiest lifestyle I can, it didn’t occur to me that I was on the way to an eating disorder.

It started with counting calories and restricting specific products. I spent hours and hours researching all kinds of “healthy-living” rules. I was gradually increasing the amount of food items I classified as bad for me and therefore unsuitable to eat. It got worse when I was going through a break-up and was desperately trying to regain some control over my life. At least in this part of my life, I could be in charge. At the peak, I thought of food predominantly in terms of numbers. I was so well-trained that I could open a menu in a restaurant and see only numbers – calories and carbs, other nutritional information and – oh yeah, the price. I was often left with an option I didn’t really want to eat. Or no option at all, in which case I would just not eat.

No matter what I did, I was never entirely satisfied with some parts of my body. I always thought I could do just a little bit better. If my stomach was just a little bit flatter, everything would fall into place and I could finally be happy… I ended up losing almost ten kilos in six months. I stopped menstruating and had my doctor tell me, “Eat more and don’t stress.” I thought he was an idiot back then, and today I think he grossly brushed me off. However, I did gain some weight back and kept it for about a year. But it happened unwillingly. I felt disappointed with myself and I decided I should get back on track. At that time, I heard some people talking about intermittent fasting and I thought, “It sounds great! I’ll give it a go.”

It started off well. I skipped breakfast, had my lunch at 12:00 and closed my eating window at 20:00. There was of course no way to stop myself from counting calories. My brain was programmed to think about food in numbers. I would also step on a scale at least once a day, and collected excel sheets worth of data about anything food and weight related. But then sometimes after a night out, I would binge on food and be left feeling like shit. I had to make up for it. So I started doing longer, 24-hour fasts. But I kept messing up, so I decided to do a 3-day fast. That was an eye opening experience for me.

I was sitting at my office desk after the experiment, being all analytical-me, comparing the effects the internet said I should feel with how I really felt. I was supposed to be liberated, have a “clarity of mind”. Instead, the only thing I did during the fast was think about eating or not eating. I sat there in shock as it slowly sank in… I have an eating disorder.

It felt like it was happening to someone else. That couldn’t be me. I never wanted to hurt myself, I was smarter than that… I felt crushed and ashamed. But I chose not to let it paralyze me. I immediately dropped everything I thought might be toxic. Ever since I got up from that office chair, I never stepped on a scale again and never restricted myself from anything I want to eat. I’ve decided to listen to my body and do what it needs… Sounds pretty basic, right? But it was terrifying for me. I wasn’t sure I could just trust myself like that. I was frightened of losing the control I had in rules and numbers. And it did take a lot of effort at first to stop counting every time I saw anything consumable. But I learnt I could make it happen, and that felt fucking liberating.

The eating disorder was obviously just a symptom of a deeper problem. Ultimately, this whole episode happened because of my struggle with self-worth. I believed my only value, or at least the only value anybody cared about, was my looks. How ironic… if any of my friends told me, “Princess Unipony, you should think less of me now that I’ve gained some weight; I don’t think I even deserve to have fun going out today”, it would break my heart. I don’t choose people I hang out with based on their looks! Its the unique sets of personal qualities that I love people for. So why was it so hard to allow myself to believe that I deserved the same luxury?

I shared my discovery with a couple of my closest people and they were there for me, rooted for me and made it so much easier for me to get better. Now I meditate every day. I practice being mindful, living in the moment without obsessing over the past or over-analyzing what will happen in the future. I practice being appreciative of what I have instead of stressing about what I don’t have. Now I not only understand that I don’t need anybody’s approval or validation to be myself, I believe it.

While I made enormous progress in accepting myself the way I am and not giving a damn about what others think, I feel the fight is not over. I’m still recovering from the eating disorder, and I will continue working on my well-being and also advocating for the well-being of others. I don’t want anybody ever having to doubt themselves because of their looks. We are so much more than our bodies.

Life’s too short to…
…let the external expectations, silent or explicit, define our direction.
…fix things that aren’t broken.
…wait till we reach some imaginary goal in order to finally start living our life.

Princess Unipony

Read another story about mental health.